Weddings and Funerals, Step by Step

A traditional U.S. wedding, step by step

1. Who may marry (how a couple qualifies)

• Both people must be free to marry. Neither may be currently married to someone else. If either was married before, bring the date the last marriage ended (divorce decree or death certificate). Most states ask for it.
• Age. The usual age is 18. Many states allow younger people only with a parent’s consent, a court order, or both. Ask the county clerk.
• Not closely related. Every state bars marriage between close relatives; which relatives and cousins are barred varies by state.
• Willing and able. Both must agree freely and understand what they are doing.
• Same-sex marriage is recognized by U.S. law. Each congregation and minister decides what it will do according to its own understanding of Scripture; ministers cannot be forced to perform a ceremony against their convictions.
• The Bible: “For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave unto his wife.” (Genesis 2:24). Jesus quotes it in Matthew 19:4-6. “Marriage is honorable in all, and the bed undefiled.” (Hebrews 13:4, KJV).

2. Prepare (about 3 to 12 months before)

• Talk with your minister early. Many ministers ask couples to meet several times first. The Religious Coaching guide “Preparing for marriage” can start the conversation.
• Choose a date, place and officiant. Check the church calendar and the building rules.
• Set a budget. Decide who pays for what. Do not go into debt for one day.
• Make a guest list, send invitations, and plan the music, flowers and meal.

3. Get the marriage license (usually 1 to 4 weeks before)

• Where: the county clerk, county recorder or probate court of the county where you will be married (rules differ by state). Some places let you apply online first.
• Bring: a photo ID for each person (driver’s license or passport), proof of age if asked, Social Security numbers (some states ask), divorce or death papers if either was married before, and the fee (often between $30 and $120; it varies a great deal).
• Waiting periods. A few states require a wait between getting the license and marrying, and licenses expire after a set number of days, often 30 to 90. Ask the clerk.
• Some states ask for a blood test or a premarital class; most do not. Ask the clerk.

4. Who may officiate

• Most states allow ordained ministers, priests, rabbis and judges. Some states also allow a friend to be a one-day officiant. A few states require a minister to register with the state or county first. Ask the clerk early.
• A few states require one or two witnesses at the ceremony.

5. Plan the ceremony

A common order: music as guests are seated; the processional; a welcome and prayer; a reading or short message from Scripture; the exchange of vows; the exchange of rings; the pronouncement; a closing prayer; the recessional. Do a walk-through (the rehearsal) the day before.

6. The wedding day

Bring the license to the ceremony. The officiant and any required witnesses sign it right after the ceremony.

7. After the wedding

• The officiant returns the signed license to the clerk within the time the state allows (often 10 to 30 days). Confirm that this was done.
• Order certified copies of the marriage certificate. You will need them for name changes, insurance, banks and Social Security.
• If you change your name, update your Social Security card first, then your driver’s license, passport, bank and employer. See ssa.gov.

Find your state’s office for marriage records: cdc.gov/nchs/w2w.

A traditional U.S. funeral, step by step

1. In the first hours

• If the death is at home and expected under hospice care, call the hospice nurse. If it is unexpected, call 911.
• A doctor, hospice nurse or coroner must pronounce death and complete the paperwork.
• Tell the closest family, then the minister. The help page lists grief and crisis lines if you need them.
• Choose a funeral home (or a cremation provider) and ask them to take the body into their care.

2. Decide the main things

• Burial or cremation. Most states allow both. Cremation usually needs a waiting period and written permission from the next of kin.
• Type of service: a visitation or viewing, a funeral service at the church or funeral home, and a graveside committal. Some families hold a memorial service after cremation.
• Who speaks: the minister, family and friends. Choose the songs and readings.
• Cemetery and plot. If none is owned, the funeral home can help you choose.

3. Know your rights and costs

• In the United States, the Federal Trade Commission’s Funeral Rule gives you the right to get prices by phone, to receive a written price list, and to choose only the goods and services you want. A funeral home may not require you to buy a casket from it. See consumer.ftc.gov/articles/ftc-funeral-rule.
• Ask for the price list from at least two homes. Costs range widely.
• Veterans may have free burial in a national cemetery, a free headstone or marker, and a burial flag. Call the VA at 1-800-827-1000.

4. Paperwork

• The funeral home usually files the death certificate and gets the burial or cremation permit. Order 8 to 12 certified copies: banks, insurers and agencies each ask for one.
• Notify Social Security (1-800-772-1213; the funeral home often reports it). A one-time death payment may be due to a surviving spouse or child who qualifies.
• Find the will, life insurance, pension and bank records. Contact an attorney about probate if the person owned property.
• Cancel or transfer credit cards, subscriptions and utilities, and keep the person’s mail and accounts safe from fraud.

5. The service

A common order: music; a welcome and prayer; Scripture readings; a message of comfort and hope; memories shared by family; a closing prayer; and the committal at the grave with a short prayer. Scriptures often read include Psalm 23, John 14:1-3, John 11:25-26, 1 Corinthians 15:51-58 and 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18 (“that ye sorrow not, even as others which have no hope”).

Scripture does not prescribe a single form of funeral. The details above are custom and law, not commands.

6. Afterward

• Write thank-you notes. Meals and visits help the family for weeks and months afterward (Romans 12:15, “weep with them that weep”).
• Do not make big decisions, like selling a house, too soon.
• Check in with the family after the first month, and on the first holidays and the anniversary.

Find your state’s office for death records: cdc.gov/nchs/w2w.